Catching Strays
When bad things happen to good(ish) people.
“Why me?” I ask.
“Why fucking me?” I ask, as my world gets littered with new problems.
I know this feeling. We go way back. We are well acquainted. It goes something like this:
I do good things. I am good to people. I set good intentions.
Bad things happen.
I feel sorry for myself. I let it linger. I brood.
I get confused at the Universe, sometimes angry at it. Because karma’s not supposed to work like this.
I get over it. I get back on my feet. I set new intentions, try to be better this time.
My current grievances arose during a series of events that started in the peak of the dog days. My grandma (we call her Mushi) has dementia and is slowly fading away. I have a cyst on my ovary that has been kicking my ass for over a month. Then, last week, I hurt my poor-little-already-curved spine — likely a herniated disc — and it was debilitating.
Amongst all of this, feelings have been coming up, as they do.
I’ve felt ashamed of myself for the health issues, feeling like I could’ve done better to prevent these things from happening.
I’ve cried a lot because I’m tired of feeling pain.
I’ve felt frustrated and upset on behalf of Mushi. She’s always taken such good care of herself and others, and to see her health deteriorating feels unjust.
The cherry on top? I’ve felt guilty for not getting things done on time, for being lazy and fatigued, and for canceling plans during this time, even though I know I have reasons. Reasonable reasons, I dare say.
It’s all brought up some questions and insights, too, surrounding the betrayal of karma, what drives our morality, and why we do the things that we do. Here’s what the ramblings of my mind have to say about the matter.
I believe that the positive and negative consequences of people’s actions reverberate across the universe like invisible bullets. Some are targeted — precise, intentional, felt immediately — while others fly rampant and strike whoever happens to walk in their wake.
We find peace of mind in believing that those of us who send out the positive bullets that make people feel good will receive the same kind in return. (I imagine these “positive bullets” looking like glittery colorful candy, and when they hit you, it slightly tickles, and you’re flooded with dopamine and oxytocin and all feels right in that moment!)
There’s this hope that someday, so many positive bullets will get sent out that the negative bullets will disappear, sending the destruction, devastation, and horror they caused away into a void beyond our reach.
But you and I know the reality is a little less Disney than that.
It more so feels like we’re in a chaotic game of laser tag. The lights are out. People are firing whatever and wherever they can. Some people don’t even know what team they’re on. And often, when you get hit, you never saw it coming.
I think it’s a very human thing to find the motivation to be morally “good” because there’s some kind of reward waiting on the other side. We’re so deeply attached to acting in a way that will get us a desired outcome. Some people call it Heaven, some people call it good karma, some people call it “I’m a nice person, so my crush should like me back.”
Or sometimes, the reward has less to do with you and more to do with another person’s happiness… but you’re still acting from your attachment to the outcome. This is where a lot of codependent and people pleaser tendencies creep in. You think that if you can just give someone the right advice or the right amount of help, maybe they’ll change. Maybe they’ll be happy.
The truest, purest form of doing good and putting love into the world is done simply because it is good. You have no expectations to be rewarded, praised, or thanked. You simply do the right thing because it is what feels like the right thing to do.
Many of us know this by now, so why don’t we do it?
For one, sometimes distinguishing between good and bad is about as easy as eating a Cobb salad while riding a unicycle down Rainbow Road with a blindfold on. And sometimes we like to pretend that it’s more like eating a Cobb salad on a very stationary couch. I can attest, certainty feels a lot better than its counterpart.
Another reason, bear with me here: I feel like we’re all big babies taping an “I am an adult” label on our foreheads and pretending like that’s enough. Babies like praise and recognition. Babies do not like taxes or being ignored, even by some dude named Kale who sells Bitcoin and makes thirst traps on TikTok.
We’re all just big babies trying our best. On some days, our best is at a level where we need a hug and a cookie to justify doing the laundry.
The more we deny our need for that hug and that cookie, the more resentment and rage builds up. That’s when those gruesome, dangerous bullets get sent out, tearing their way through other big babies who are just doing their best.
So! I’ve been learning about this mindset — one that’s less attached to outcomes. One that accepts the inevitability of catching strays. It has the potential to alleviate a whole lot of grief, shame, and suffering. Taoist writings on this mindset have particularly resonated with me, like this one:
“To bear and not to own; to act and not lay claim; to do the work and let it go: for just letting it go is what makes it stay.”
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
Say something bad happens to you (or maybe a whole hellstorm is unleashed all at once), you see at it as something that’s not your fault. It is what it is because bad things happen to all people.
When you do a good deed for someone who’s in a dark place, and they don’t thank you, and they can’t seem to escape that dark place, you see that it is not your fault. It is what it is. You did what you could. They have their will.
Or maybe someone with this mindset offers you a favor when you’re not ready to receive it, and they make it clear that they don’t expect anything in return. You might feel the weight of that pesky shame lighten.
Even if the shame and the grief and the suffering still come, and they probably will, good was done.
I recognize all of this, but I am nowhere near mastering the art of detachment. I do feel myself changing, though.
I’m slowly (very slowly) getting to a place where I don’t blame myself for catching the strays that hurt, where I don’t beat myself up for sending out a few not so great ones myself.
I’m slowly getting to a place where I do good just for good’s sake. Not because I expect to catch a feel-good stray in return, but because I’d rather play a role in filling the air with more love than destruction.
Sometimes this good-doing can be as simple as eating a nourishing meal or singing your heart out to “Storms” by Fleetwood Mac in a salty bathtub. Sometimes it can be as admirable as giving a hungry man your last dollar bill or buying a neighborhood kid’s shitty lemonade. It doesn’t matter — when you do something intentionally good, you’re firing that energy out.
Maybe my positive actions will catch someone I aim directly at, or maybe they’ll catch someone I don’t even know on the other side of the world. Maybe it’ll change her life, or maybe she’ll forget about it in seven-point-five seconds. Good was done.
I guess it just brings me peace to know that, amongst the chaos, amongst feeling powerless in a world where it’s hard to win, we do each have the power to love.
And you know that cliche about love being the most powerful thing in the Universe. It’s one that I’m glad to call true.
So give yourself something nice this week, for goodness’ sake!
With love,
